Today as I remember my daughter, I also remember all the things in my life... I could start out like Snoopy... It was a dark and stormy night... but in truth, I don't know what it was like the day I was born. As with most people I don't remember it, nor do I really remember my early years. What I do remember is that when I was about twelve years old my parents split up. I remember the fighting as I lay in bed, crying, because I didn't know what was going on, the feelings of inadequacy at not being able to do anything about it, and the feelings of guilt when Dad left the house and we finally knew he wasn't coming back. The things that happened around that time are incidental because while I have only flashes of them, I remember the feelings intensely. The loss, the anger, the confusion... I know I didn't understand any of what was going on then... I only knew that people were angry or upset and I was removed from it somehow so it didn't really affect my life that much. Dad wasn't home a lot, so I didn't really miss him when he was gone, but I wanted him to want me... desperately so... and he just didn't.
I know, this could end up being a book, and perhaps someday that's what it will be, but for now I'm just writing my feelings and thoughts down. I'm sharing them through this blog for the time being because I can. I don't know if anyone else can relate, or even wants to (always my own insecurity) but if this blog helps even one person understand something in their own lives that they didn't before and helps them become a better person, it will have been worth it. I don't even know if anyone actually reads this blog but it is a place where I can express myself freely without having anyone say... it's not enough, it's too much, it's all wrong, etc. etc. etc. I guess I could say that this is the one place where I get to be me without having to consider everyone else. I've kind of done that... consider and put everyone else first although no one apparently sees it.
Okay, I grew up not thinking about others particularly. Oh, I never hurt anyone, or so I thought at the time... apparently I was hurting people all the time, but this is a source of great confusion to me... When I really look at things I don't understand why people were always upset with me... it was hard to fathom then and really hard to figure out now. My parents even took me to a Child Psychologist and to be honest I never knew why! I had to learn to be social the hard way as it just didn't come naturally for me. I preferred to sit at the back of the room and not be noticed by anyone. I was teased by my school mates, mercilessly until Junior High about Grade 8. After that I still wasn't popular by any means but the kids didn't tease me anymore. I don't remember a lot of those early years anymore... when I do it has to be triggered by something current or it just doesn't come forward. I actually at one point didn't remember anything before the age of twelve years old. It was alarming to me, but over the subsequent years things have popped up that I have tried to keep in memory.
I have been criticized my whole life for doing things "wrong". Apparently I did nothing right, not when I was at home, not when I left home, not raising my kids, nothing... Admittedly it has affected my whole life but I have worked hard over the years to overcome the idea that everything I have done or do is "wrong". It was a learning process for me that was hard for me to do. I had no idea how to be "social"... Now I know that may sound silly, but it's more than true. My friends were very close to me and tend to be that way today in fact. I had only one or two close friends growing up and that's it. I wasn't really wanted in most kids social circles because I was "different". I just don't know how I was different. Other than having social issues which actually continue to this day (meaning I still have to work at being social with people), I still have no idea why or how I'm different. I've asked around but apparently it's not something that can be put into words and so my curiosity continues unabated. I'm different, I just don't know how or why?
As I grew and learned to be social, it became apparent to me that I had to consider others and how they were feeling. I tried, really I did but it was hard to do! I really wasn't being selfish in not considering others, I just didn't know how and as I said this did not come naturally to me. Gradually I learned to "read" other people and notice little things that would give me clues to how they were feeling. This then gave me the opportunity to show them I did care about them and ask them what was wrong or just simply provide a shoulder to cry on... and I absolutely did care about the people I learned to "read", in my mind that was never as issue, I just didn't know how to go about doing it. I remember being totally confused by my sister, who was a social butterfly, and by the fact that she liked listening to contemporary music, babysitting,etc.
Oh babysitting, now there's a unique memory lane to go down. I didn't babysit that much, in fact I only remember doing it as a teenager only a few times. I simply didn't enjoy it, I didn't know what to do with the kids, I wasn't good at it. I tried a few times but in reality it just wasn't a pleasant experience for me and even though I got paid, I didn't care and just let my sister be the babysitter. In fact I had no idea what to do with the kids once I was there, I thought they should just amuse themselves and when I had to actually pay attention to them it was extremely uncomfortable. Having my own would prove to be a unique learning experience as well.
I was Eighteen years old when I had my first child, Carmen Dyanne Nord (AKA Brooks, Lybbert). I had been told by my Mom that I should be able to feed my baby with just my breastmilk and I tried, but the baby was fussy so I ended up supplementing her. I look back on that and realize that I made huge mistakes with her, but she survived. I knew nothing, literally nothing. The only thing I knew how to do was to change her diapers and give her a bath. I washed her clothes with the rest of ours, only to have someone tell me you're not supposed to do that. I couldn't figure out why but someone eventually told me that everyday laundry soap can be hard on the baby's skin as it doesn't always wash completely out of the clothes. At that point Dyanne was months old and had shown no sign of having any issues so I just continued washing her clothes with ours. I ended up being pregnant again shortly after Dyanne and gave birth to my second daughter, Tamara Lyn Nord (AKA Brooks, Kobylka). The babies were only thirteen months apart but in between the first and second one a woman who was a nurse had moved into our ward and I listened carefully as she talked about what was best for babies, how to breast feed, etc. I absorbed everything I could and when Tami was born had a significantly better idea of how to look after her. She was delightful as a child and almost never frowned because she was so happy. Where Dyanne had dark chestnut brown hair and hazel eyes, Tami had blonde curly hair and bright blue eyes. The girls were friends right from the beginning and that lasted throughout their lives.
This is to be continued...
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