Well, here I am at 4:30 in the morning, wondering what I'm doing awake and thinking about all the things in my life that have changed in the past year...
First, I have no kids at home with me for the first time in 40+ years. Wow, it was hard to get used to... I've always had responsibilities for kids since I was 18 years old! I raised the four oldest ones for 14 years by myself, then married a man who was progressively more and more abusive until I was suicidal and left with the youngest of the kids to raise her by myself as well. Now she lives with her sister and for the first time in 40 years I have no kids at home to raise.
The situation that left me in this condition was very traumatic for me and I was extremely depressed for quite a while. I was suicidal at one point and seriously thought about it for a few weeks. I considered taking pills and just going to sleep forever, I hurt so badly, but somehow managed to survive enough that when my friend asked me to come visit her in Ontario, I did. I packed up all my stuff, put it into storage and left. I came out here, and slowly, very slowly got my mind back. Now I have a job, a place to live with my friends, a boyfriend or fiance depending on how you look at it... and my independence.
I still have the pain, but it's not everything there is anymore. I enjoy my job, I drive a school bus for a living, I like the people I work with, I'm actually doing more creative things with my life these days and simply enjoying it. Every once in a while, I lie awake, as I did tonight, and the pain of the past catches up with me. I cringe at some of the things I've endured at the hands of my so called family, and cry when I think about my daughter who passed away last March of cancer... I weep when I think of the betrayal of my children, particularly Abbi and Krysti, and the things they have said about me to others... I know I'm not that person but I truly wonder sometimes if I could have been that bad... I don't think so, but ...
I know that there is much more to things and I hang on to my sanity with a fierceness that rivals predators in the wild, but I am much more fragile than I want to let on to people. I act really well like I'm okay when I'm dying inside, when all I want to do is lay on my bed and weep all day long. I don't, it gets old after a while and I just sleep anyway, then I want to get up and do something more interesting which I do until a wave of depression hits me again and I just want to weep again, crying for the pain in my heart, that sits on my chest like an elephant until I sleep again. I know that at one point I just wanted the pain to stop... I just wanted to go into the loving arms of my Heavenly Father to seek comfort, but somehow I managed to get thru it despite still wanting that most of the time.
I am sad right now, missing my Tami, missing my grandchildren, thinking about the fight my brother wants to have with me, thinking about what Krysti and Abbi did, crying as I write this and hoping that I will feel better in the morning when I go to work. Sometimes I am better, sometimes it's an act.
I have a boyfriend who says all the time he loves me, and he lets me have all the independence I want, doesn't criticize or complain, doesn't push me, is very sweet and yet for all my desire to want him and love him, I actually don't. I feel no desire for him and that's distressing as he's a good man and I should. He says he loves me, his kids love me, his friends think I'm okay and yet I really don't want him. He's okay to be around, I don't mind his company and I think he'd be a good friend, but I just don't feel the way he'd like me too. I am giving it some time but sometimes it's very hard to give up my time to be with him... I know, I am being fickle here, I like him... I want to want him, I just don't want him that way... but I will carry on for a while at least and see how I feel as the relationship goes on... I don't know... I guess this is a wait and see moment...
There are so many things... there are just so many things that people tell me I've done wrong... but when I look at it, I can't understand it. I do my best every day of my life, I do what I think is right, but it's confusing when everyone else tells me it's wrong... My sense of right and wrong is rather black and white, there is little grey area for me but when I do what I've been taught all my life is supposed to be good and then get criticized for it, I get very confused. I tend to stay away from people, I don't understand them and that's confusing as well... I've taught myself to read emotions over the years and I feel genuine concern for those who are hurting, I want to help them, to let them know they are not alone, but when someone else comes along I feel awkward and uncomfortable... then I leave and just don't talk to them anymore except to say Hi once in a while because I don't know if they want to talk to me anymore... that's part of what I mean when I say it's confusing... I never know if they truly want to talk to me or not. I always feel like the outsider, the black sheep, ... well, you get what I mean... I just don't fit in... and if I do, it's usually just an act...
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