I am catching up on this blog because it seems that people actually read it. I know my ex decided to try and use it against me in a bid to not owe me money that he needs to pay. I sound bitter don't I?? I don't mean to be but I am. I am bitter about Bill not being the person he pretended to be, I am bitter about my kids and all they have put me through over the years, I am bitter about my son, Jason, who was abusive to me and when I tried to do something about it so he would know that abusing someone, anyone, is wrong and he needed to stop it he decided I wasn't worth it anymore and hasn't talked to me in years. I did meet his son, Ryker, but I likely won't see him again in this life. I am bitter about Dyanne accusing me of all kinds of abuse but no taking of responsibility for her actions that were abusive and destructive. I am bitter about Krysti and her shenanigans with Abbi and I am bitter about Abbi going along with it. I cry over Tami and am still grieving deeply for her death. I am so full of negative emotions that it becomes overwhelming sometimes.
I have tried so hard in my life to be someone good. I have done whatever people have told me to do and tried to do what was best, I've even changed myself for others and it was never good enough. My Mom used to send me letters on how to be better and I'm not sure what her intention was but it came across to me as just being critical and I had to ask her to stop it. I remember crying to her at one point and asking why I wasn't good enough yet... she had no answer for that one...
I tried in both my marriages to be someone who could be loved but neither one of them did it. Dave just wasn't interested even when we had kids and had affairs on me, Bill was more abusive than Dave ever was because he included mental, emotional and physical abuse in it as well. I gave everything I had to Bill so he would love me and he never did. I'm not sure why he married me, but he certainly didn't love me but I did love him. At least at the beginning I did. I didn't by the time things were done with him and if he were hit by a bus tomorrow and killed it wouldn't hurt my feelings any. I can't believe I actually hate someone that much, but I do.
I have done everything I could to be a positive person who is positive to others in return but today I feel so negative, I just hate it all. I am bitter and I know it...
I will feel better tomorrow because that's the way it goes with me but tonight I hate it all. My kids who are so ugly with me, my ex because he's an asshole and is ugly himself, and those who figure that they can hurt me and get away with it all the time. I have forgiven everyone so often and yet they all still hate me and think it's okay to abuse me. I have been the doormat for all those people, I have tried so hard to be positive, to be a good person, to be someone that could be liked, and no one ever recognized that. They all blamed me for who and what they are, for their actions and how they behaved. Well, it's not my fault! I didn't teach them to be like that. I taught them to be good people, to help others and to know that they are worth it. Somehow that taught them to belittle and abuse me.
I know that life isn't fair, I know that we came here to be tested, that we are here to become worthy individuals to go to the Celestial Kingdom in the next life, that we are to work every day to become perfect like Jesus was. I have tried very hard to do this all my life, I've made mistakes, I've never repeated those mistakes, but I've tried very hard to be a good person and this is what I get. I don't for a second believe that God is responsible for all the trials in my life, I know I made choices that came out as trials, I know that I was responsible for the choices I made in this life, no one made those choices for me. I know I allowed others to influence my choices but they were my choices all the same. Some worked out, others did not and I have lived with the consequences of those choices all my life as well. I just didn't choose to be someone that everyone thinks they can abuse and get away with it. I fought back more than once, I was vindictive a few times altho I made an effort not to be. I gave as good as I got more than one time in my life especially with Bill who was so mean to me. I feel no regret at striking back at him, and then I feel guilty because I should feel regret and I don't. Then I feel guilty about feeling guilty, the ultimate round robin. It's a never ending circle until you stop yourself from feeling that way. I don't feel guilty anymore... I don't feel much of anything right now except the bitterness and resentment.
I will feel better tomorrow after I have a good night's sleep. At least I hope so... I don't like feeling this way at all. Tomorrow is another day and hopefully it will be a good one just because it can be.
No comments:
Post a Comment